Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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