I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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