what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
