I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
