she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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