I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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