well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
