she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
