ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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