its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
i drank out of a bidet.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
