U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
