once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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