im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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