she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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