My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
