you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
