Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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