i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
We are all done wearing pants today
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
