Soap is not a condiment
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
