made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
