Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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