I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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