Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Randomize
