i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
