i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
