I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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