she takes plan B like it's going out of style
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
