There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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