And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Randomize
