Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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