I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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