dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
