Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
