dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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