i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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