I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
