wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
