Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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