HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Just pee around me
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
