What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
