I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
