I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
