dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
