apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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