Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize