so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
