there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
