How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
