remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize