member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
