Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize