So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
