last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
