WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
