so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
