so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
