I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
